Parting is Such a Hairy Obsession, by Steve Giegerich

John and Catherine Walter, brother and sister, are two people with either way too much time on their hands or, ahem, part of something left uncombed by the usually thorough psychiatric and psychological communities.

The genesis of their undertaking goes back 20 years, when John was 19 and, in the words of his sister, "a geeky, nerdy kid with no friends, no social standing."

Then one day John changed the part in his hair from the right side to the left side and - Voila! - he became Tom Cruise and Dale Carnegie rolled into one.

So began John Walter's obsession with the hair part. Trained in nuclear physics and mathematics and with an expertise in computers, Walter started compiling more than partial data on the subject.

A few years ago, the hair-raising findings were turned over to Catherine, a cultural anthropologist. She brushed up the statistics, breaking them into hair-splitting categories that record the way everyone from each member of Congress, to governors, to actors (Charlton Heston, who parted the Red Sea, doesn't make it but Superman, left while wearing the cape, right when living as Clark Kent, does) parts things up.

Based on their findings, the Walters have reached the conclusion that, due to the emphasis on functions controlled by the right or left side of the brain, you are what you part.

Males parting their hair on the right side are "striving for positive assessment in a traditionally male role (and) are at risk for having difficulties in inter-personal relationships (by) sending a mixed, subconscious message by emphasizing the activities of the brain traditionally attributed to femininity."

"A woman who parts her hair on the left (is) striving for positive assessment in a traditionally male role and will be taken more seriously than a woman with a right part, who is emphasizing mental processes that are traditionally attributed to femininity."

Good news here for Michael Jordan, bad news for clients of Hair Club For Men: "When there is a center part, no part or baldness, the subconscious associations are more balanced or neutral…"